Help Me

i am surprised - tho most likely should not be so - how quickly hurt comes as i look through photos and lives of other people. too often i see smiling faces, children, photo comments - all these leading me to believe there is a happy life out there.

and i am jealous. i so desire life to work. relationships that are good for one another. children.

God is good. His desire is for me to have life that has meaning. each relationship to be good for all involved. He too desires that i have children around. He alone can grant these desires and give me what i will require for each moment of them.

Papa, help me. forgive me, i doubt Your good intentions all too often. i release You from my idea of timing and what is best for myself. heal what has become from my expectations. clear out the disappointments and failures. turn around all that was meant to destroy me, bring me to life.

this pain of not having what i so desire at this stage of my life. redeem the time, Abba. take me beyond what i have known - beyond my experiences. love me through this place. heal my heart and help me love those who have been used against me.

aggghhhh i hate this feeling stuff. i feel like i am tearing apart inside. smiling when i want to cry, crying when i want to be numb. choosing to numb out and run from You when running to You will bring my heart to peace and calm my fear for the present and future.

somehow help me focus on the glorious future You have in store.

Been Forever

k i admit it has been forever since i last picked up my keyboard and started pecking at it. tho i will blame life happenings and sitting at a computer doing computer things day in and day out. really it got off my priority list.

here is a shock for those that don't already know... (if anyone is still reading this blog..)
robert and i are getting divorced. long story that happened faster than i thought it could . i feel it was a bad decision on robert's part, but only because God has majorly worked in my heart and mind. i sure miss having him around, i always missed having him around. never got to be the friend thing, probably what hampered much of our life together. well and many things i simply will not know about - possibly ever.

God will take everything meant for evil and turn it around. i never thought that i would have a divorce - totally against all i wanted and hoped for. yet God brought me to the place where i have found identity, hope, future, and my personal relationship with Jesus more intimate than i could have believed. i wish robert was here in this journey with me o how i wish that were the case, it is not so at this time so i will continue on with Him - the One that is in love with me and wants my love in return. i can not love with out Him. i love robert because of Him and trust that He will draw my husband into His amazing - ness. i am very sad at this relationship falling through, yet i know that God is amazing and has a wonderful plan for us both. so if there is a future for us or not, i don't need to worry. just let Him heal the disappointment and lead me into the future. and i will let go.....

moving on a bit:

recently i have found that oklahoma is 4th in child trafficking. that is in putting children into the sex industry. blew me out of the water. within the 'bible belt' we are #4.

after chatting with a co-worker it hit me that all this healing God has been doing in my life can be channeled into working with child recovery. i delight in coloring and playing on the floor with children - play therapy. children want to trust, by putting God into my interaction i will have the grace and mercy to deal with personal rejection from a child that simply cannot accept or know love at that moment. God has this amazing way of dealing with us when we are hurting or angry and He so wants to put His arms around us but we won't let Him. He is the perfect instructor for this journey.

so i am going to the conference in tulsa to begin learning what it will take to be involved in rescuing children. info on the conference here. not a quick journey, yet looking back over the past three years with this divorce i am amazed at how God redeems time, and i will get to experience the unimaginable. He is so good.

on a corresponding vein - i am starting school. wow - never thought this would come.

i begin classes at oklahoma wesleyan university in a few weeks - maybe sooner not sure yet. and it has been amazing at how quickly God has put this together. i decided last week to do classes. now i am about to be enrolled and in class. wow - head is still spinning.

emily - my advisor - is at present working on a course of study plan for me. i will sign it and then be officially enrolled to get my associate of applied science in early childhood education. from there i plan to get into the licensure process and schooling necessary for working with children rescued from the sex slave industry. wow - this world is so corrupt.

My Weekend Project

project for this weekend: paint a table lamp. how it is going: slower than molasses. i forgot to get before picts but hope to grab some after to show you all.
i have painted the shade brown - using some acrylic paint, and the base i am painting green - spray paint. the prep for a 'clean painting zone' was interesting - we all know how good i am at preping a room lol. ahh well, we shall see.
i have actually been doing this for several days now. (allowing for plenty of drying time i am sure.. )
well back to another coat..

The Funness Of It All

check this link out :)

Not Sure What This Is About

it is hard to 'put down on paper' when i am so blah. been feeling deeply about so much that it simply wears me to the edge.
i am really quite numb now. it feels late and i should pbly go to bed - tho i have laundry that needs to be switched.
i like my new space, just have to take time and spend it getting to know God's heart for me. don't know why that is so difficult. time with Him turns out wonderful.
was talking to roselene about it yesterday. it is so hard to admit i am in need. i don't know why - we are all in need, it is the human condition. :) welcome to planet earth.
i want to put something amazing in this note, but i don't know that i have anything really. i feel deep hurt and rejection. i feel breaking and deep loss. i hurt and i don't like it. i hate living with another's choice - something that rubs me raw. bitterness is close by - actually might be in residence in this new place. so i will crawl up into Daddy's arms where i am safe, and ask Him to help me in this moment, in this pain. i need His sacrifice, i need the blood to wash away this stuff. and after i have cried myself out i will remind me of what He says about me - His beloved (even in the midst of my sinful self)
i am His treasure, one that He loves with all His heart. He is for my good always and does not point out what is hidden to shame or hurt me. Abba is good and there can be none like Him. there can be none before Him. i have found safety in Him. i have found 'belong' - in Him, to Him, with Him. i find a reason to live and explore again. where i hurt i see He has been busy binding my wounds and bringing wholeness. He is my Creator, i His created. i have never known love like this.
God may this season of pain bring healing to others as You so graciously care for me. help me will to run into Your arms, find my being in You. closer than my breath, You wrap me into You. here is me.

You Reap What You Sow

the following is an email sent to me and i do not know who the author is. it is however a beautiful reminder of God's greatness.

You Reap What You Sow

The man slowly looked up. This was a woman clearly accustomed to the finer things of life. Her coat was new. She looked like she had never missed a meal in her life. His first thought was that she wanted to make fun of him, like so many others had done before.

"Leave me alone," he growled... To his amazement, the woman continued standing. She was smiling -- her even white teeth displayed in dazzling rows.

"Are you hungry?" she asked.

"No," he answered sarcastically. "I've just come from dining with the president. Now go away."

The woman's smile became even broader.


Suddenly the man felt a gentle hand under his arm. "What are you doing, lady?" the man asked angrily. "I said to leave me alone.

Just then a policeman came up. "Is there any problem, ma'am?" he asked..


"No problem here, officer," the woman answered. "I'm just trying to get this man to his feet. Will you help me?"

The officer scratched his head. "That's old Jack. He's been a fixture around here for a couple of years. What do you want with him?"

"See that cafeteria over there?" she asked. "I'm going to get him something to eat and get him out of the cold for awhile.

"Are you crazy, lady?" the homeless man resisted. "I don't want to go in there!" Then he felt strong hands grab his other arm and lift him up.
"Let me go, officer. I didn't do anything."

"This is a good deal for you, Jack," the officer answered. "Don't blow it."
Finally, and with some difficulty, the woman and the police officer got Jack into the cafeteria and sat him at a table in a remote corner. It was the middle of the morning, so most of the breakfast crowd had already left and the lunch bunch had not yet arrived.

The manager strode across the cafeteria and stood by his table. "What's going on here, officer?" he asked."What is all this, is this man in trouble?"

"This lady brought this man in here to be fed," the policeman answered.

"Not in here!" the manager replied angrily. "Having a person like that here is bad for business."

Old Jack smiled a toothless grin. "See, lady. I told you so. Now if you'll let me go.. I didn't want to come here in the first place."

The woman turned to the cafeteria manager and smiled. "Sir, are you familiar with Eddy andAssociates, the banking firm down the street?"

"Of course I am," the manager answered impatiently. "They hold their weekly meetings in one of my banquet rooms."

"And do you make a goodly amount of money providing food at these weekly meetings?"

"What business is that of yours?"

I, sir, am Penelope Eddy, president and CEO of the company."

"Oh."

The woman smiled again. "I thought that might make a difference."

She glanced at the cop who was busy stifling a laugh. "Would you like to join us in a cup of coffee and a meal, officer?"

"No thanks, ma'am," the officer replied. "I'm on duty."

"Then, perhaps, a cup of coffee to go?"

"Yes, ma'am. That would be very nice."

The cafeteria manager turned on his heel. "I'll get your coffee for you right away, officer."

The officer watched him walk away. "You certainly put him in his place," he said.

"That was not my intent... Believe it or not, I have a reason for all this."

She sat down at the table across from her amazed dinner guest. She stared at him intently.

"Jack, do you remember me?"

Old Jack searched her face with his old, rheumy eyes. "I think so -- I mean you do look familiar."

"I'm a little older perhaps," she said. "Maybe I've even filled out more than in my younger days when you worked here, and I came through that very door, cold and hungry."

"Ma'am?" the officer said questioningly. He couldn't believe that such a magnificently turned out woman could ever have been hungry.

"I was just out of college," the woman began. "I had come to the city looking for a job, but I couldn't find anything. Finally I was down to my last few cents and had been kicked out of my apartment. I walked the streets for days. It was February and I was cold and nearly starving.. I saw this place and walked in on the off chance that I could get something to eat."

Jack lit up with a smile. "Now I remember," he said. "I was behind the serving counter. You came up and asked me if you could work for something to eat. I said that it was against company policy."

"I know," the woman continued. "Then you made me the biggest roast beef sandwich that I had ever seen, gave me a cup of coffee, and told me to go over to a corner table and enjoy it. I was afraid that you would get into trouble. Then, when I looked over and saw you put the price of my food in the cash register, I knew then that everything would be all right."

"So you started your own business?" Old Jack said.

"I got a job that very afternoon. I worked my way up. Eventually I started my own business that, with the help of God, prospered." She opened her purse and pulled out a business card. "When you are finished here, I want you to pay a visit to a Mr. Lyons. He's the personnel director of my company. I'll go talk to him now and I'm certain he'll find something for you to do around the office."

She smiled. "I think he might even find the funds to give you a little advance so that you can buy some clothes and get a place to live until you get on your feet. If you ever need anything, my door is always open to you."

There were tears in the old man's eyes. "How can I ever thank you?" he asked.

"Don't thank me," the woman answered. "To God goes the glory. Thank Jesus... He led me to you."

Outside the cafeteria, the officer and the woman paused at the entrance before going their separate ways. "Thank you for all your help, officer," she said.

"On the contrary, Ms. Eddy," he answered. "Thank you. I saw a miracle today, something that I will never forget. And...And thank you for the coffee."

If you have missed knowing me, you have missed nothing.

If you have missed some of my emails, you might have missed a laugh.

But, if you have missed knowing my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, you have missed everything in the world.

Have a Wonderful Day. May God Bless You Always and don't forget that when you "cast your bread upon the waters," you never know how it will be returned to you. God is so big He can cover the whole world with his Love and so small He can curl up inside your heart.

When God leads you to the edge of the cliff, trust Him fully and let go.

Only 1 of 2 things will happen, either He'll catch you when you fall, or He'll teach you how to fly!

The power of one sentence! God is going to shift things around for you today and let things work in your favor.

God closes doors no man can open & God opens doors no man can close..

Have a blessed day and remember to be a blessing...

Press Release From Our University President

this is from the president of our university

For immediate release

FROM THE HEARTLAND TO AMERICA: OKWU PRESIDENT EVERETT PIPER JOINS POLITICAL MAVENS; LAUNCHES NEW WEBSITE; ANNOUNCES FIRST BOOK

Los Angeles, July 2nd, 2009 - For nearly a decade, Dr. Everett Piper has been quietly doing his job as president of one of the region's top faith-based Universities, OklahomaWesleyan University, focusing all of his efforts on improving the quality of education for his students. But a growing awareness that national trends far beyond his University's campus could pose a threat to his and other faith-based institutions has caused Piper to reach for new platforms to speak out on behalf of the University-and the students he cherishes.

One such platform is Politicamavens.com which has welcomed Piper as a Senior Fellow and blogger and for whom Piper will provide regular commentary on current events including politics, education, media and issues of faith. Piper has also begun writing a book, tentatively titled "Why I'm a Liberal-and Other Conservative Ideas."

Binyamin L. Jolkovsky, founder and Executive Editor of Political Mavens said of Piper's addition to the site: "We are excited to have Dr. Everett Piper as a contributor to our blog. Everett brings a wealth of experience to the table. He has a genuine concern for the future of our nation and for building up the next generation of young leaders. More importantly, his passion on this topic drives him to action. Political Mavens.com has always supported writers who pursue a positive change in their government and society." Piper's first blog-which is also the theme of his book- addresses the need to revisit the true meaning of the word "Liberal" as it relates to politics, religious ideology and higher education. He argues that a liberal education must be grounded in the conservation of reality and truth. "I am proud to be the president of one of those very rare universities that engages in the unapologetic and open pursuit of a way, a truth, and a life grounded in something more stable than the ebb and flow of human opinion and the shifting sands of what is 'politically correct,'" notes Piper. "I'm looking forward to sharing some of these ideas with the world beyond our campus, but my ultimate goal is to bring attention to the kind of ideas that are shaping the character of our students here as we send them out into the world to do good things."

To read Dr. Piper's writings on Political Mavens, please go to: http://www.politicalmavens.com/everettpiper In addition to his writings on Political Mavens, Piper has recently launched his own website, where his articles and links to recent media appearances are available at www.everettpiper.com. Piper is also a regular contributor at www.bullypulpit.com. Oklahoma Wesleyan University is a four-year Christian university of the liberal arts and sciences that is accredited by the North Central Association. OWU also obtained professional accreditation with the National Council for Accreditation of Teacher Education (NCATE), the Commission on Collegiate Nursing Education (CCNE), and the International Assembly of Collegiate Business Education (IACBE). It is a member of the Council of Christian Colleges and Universities as well as the Council of Independent Colleges and Universities and the Association of Oklahoma Independent Colleges and Universities.

To learn more Dr. Piper, please visit www.everettpiper.com

To learn more about Oklahoma Wesleyan University, please visit: www.okwu.edu